Emotion is a funny thing, in that we all feel emotions, but we each express them in different ways. Some people are great at verbalising how they are feeling about something, while others will be reluctant to share their emotional state with others. There are many factors involved, such as the individual’s upbringing, cultural background, personality type and past experiences.
In general, society seems to encourage people to hide their emotions. People who cry in front of others are seen as weak and fragile. People who smile and laugh a lot are seen as untrustworthy or foolish. Because of these stigmas, people learn to hide their emotions more and more as they grow up. We try our best to appear rational, calm and professional in the eyes of others.
But emotion is not a tame horse that can be controlled so easily. It is like a wild elephant that will behave irrationally and impulsively, and as the rider, we can only try to steer it on the right path. Because the elephant is so much more powerful than the rider, it is foolish to resist against it and try to force it to go a certain way.
This means that when people try to stop their emotions, it finds another way to be expressed. When you suppress your anger and worries, it manifests as cranky behaviour, causing you to lash out at the blameless people around you. When you try to hold back your tears, it will build up and up until it causes subconscious trauma. Worst of all, if you continue to suppress your emotions, your emotional intelligence will dim, and your ability to recognise and interpret your emotions will atrophy away. This will make you even more vulnerable to extreme swings in emotions, giving you even less control.
The solution to all of this is simple – express yourself. It is okay to cry. It is okay to laugh. It is okay to feel. Watch a sappy movie or a hilarious show to explore the breadth of your emotional range. Practise laughing out loud often. Make it a habit to be mindful of how you are feeling currently, and be comfortable in expressing that to another human being.
Emotions are a natural part of our identityand others have no right to strip that away from you to make you a lesser person. Of course, you need to be able to read the room and be able to compose yourself if the situation calls for it, but for the most part, little harm can come from you being able to show others how you are feeling.
More importantly, it is difficult for your loved ones to truly understand who you are if you do not communicate your emotions to them. If you didn’t share that you were stressed at work today, they may think your sullen mood and solemnity were due to their wrongdoing. Emotion drives us in so many different ways, so it is impossible for your partner to understand the intent behind your actions and words if they don’t know how you are feeling. Communication helps clear up the misunderstandings, letting you build a deeper connection.
Embrace the emotional elephant within you and learn to become friends with it. It will make the journey of life much smoother and less rocky.
Even though time is continuous, we like to think of think of time in segments.
The most basic unit is the year. Every time the Earth rotates once around the Sun, we take stock of the year gone by, while setting resolutions for the next year. Technically, whether it is 300 or 400 days, time has passed, yet we always mark changes by the number of years. For example, we use age as a marker of what stage of life we should be at (even if it is not a very accurate marker).
Another classic example is the four seasons. The making of accurate calendars and units of time was critical in the development of agriculture as it allowed us to plant many different crops with high efficiency and yield. In older times, people may have marked time by reminiscing what happened around the time of the last harvest while eating food made with ingredients harvested at that time.
Some segments are less regular, such as the last time you caught up with someone, or whenever you have a big life change such as moving cities. Some people may mark the chapters of life by the person they were dating at the time, or the stage of professional development, such as what year of university they were in.
Why do we obsessively divide time and remember our lives in artificial, bite-sized chunks? Our brains are very good at noticing patterns and change, but not so good when the changes are gradual and continuous (change blindness). Ergo, dividing up time into segments help us process the past.
It is hard to notice how much someone’s hair has grown if you see them every day. It is hard to notice how different you and your partner have become with time until a conflict arises. It is hard to notice how much we have grown and matured and changed without consciously reflecting from time to time.
Another interesting thing to consider is that what you use as a marker of time may suggest what you are prioritising. When you look back, what is the unit of time you use to divide your life? Is it the last time you moved cities? Your last boyfriend or girlfriend? Your last big trip? A moment where you came to an epiphany?
Whatever it is, it is a useful practice to periodically look back on all the segments that make up your life, such as by keeping a journal and reading it later. This will let you be more aware of how you are developing as a person and help you steer yourself in the general direction that you want your life to take you. At the very least, it is amusing to notice the subtle differences between the past and the present you.
How was your day? Did something good happen that made you feel happy? Or were there a series of dramas that left a sour taste in your mouth? On average, the answer to the question is almost always just: “it was fine”.
For most people, the typical day tends to be a working day. We wake up, fix breakfast (hopefully), go to work, do the same work we have done for years, come back home, try to relax as we brace for the next day, then go to sleep. People tend to feel worn out and tired after a hard day of work and are just looking forward to the next weekend or the next vacation.
But this means that we are looking forward to only (at most) 10-20% of our lives. The other 80% of our days, we are surviving instead of living. Isn’t this such a waste? We only have a limited amount of time on this Earth, with even fewer years where we are young and full of vitality. Yet we spend the majority of it looking forward to just a small portion of it.
This presents a few problems. For one, we set high expectations for our days off, which can result in disappointment if things don’t go as planned. Sometimes, we feel so exhausted from our work days that we waste our precious free time binging TV shows or scrolling through social media. In essence, because we split our lives into “miserable working days” and “hopefully enjoyable resting days”, we become very inefficient when it comes to living happy lives.
One solution is to find a way to make your typical days more enjoyable. You have to try to find a routine that you wouldn’t get tired of. This might mean finding a job that continues to challengeyou in different ways, finding a passionthat keeps you interested and motivated to improve yourself, or finding a life partner who you never get sick of talking to and spending time with. These are all achievable, but nonetheless difficult because of the limitations set by reality. Then again, they are well worth trying for.
The other option is changing the way you reflect on your life. A major barrier to happiness is that our brains always focus on only new or negative things. That is why when we look back on our day, it feels featureless and mundane because it will either be routine, or a bad situation overshadows the whole day. To fight this, we have to consciously remind ourselves of the few good moments.
Think of something that made you smile today, no matter how briefly.
These are all simple questions that will remind you that a typical day is really not that bad if you change your perspective.
Happiness is not a climax that you reach from stimulating yourself with new experiences and excitement. It is a state of mind, a perspective, a way of life. If you seek sustainable happiness, find a way to make each day – no matter how routine it is – more enjoyable, whether by changing something in your life or changing the way you view your life.
What do you look for in a potential partner? Everyone has their own set of criteria and features that they find attractive. But a common point of the things that people look for in a potential mate is that they subconsciously ask the question: “What can this person do for me?”.
Let’s take some examples.
“Someone with a good, stable job” – Someone that offers me financial stability.
“A tall, dark, handsome guy” or “A beautiful, sexy, blonde girl” – Someone who is aesthetically pleasing for me to look at.
“Someone who can cook well” – Someone who can feed me.
“Someone that makes me laugh” – Someone who will make me happier.
“Someone who makes me feel loved” – Someone who will make me feel special.
As individuals, we are allowed to make some selfish decisions when it comes to important life choices. But a relationship involves two individuals, meaning that both parties should be considered. There is some room for compromise, but the more selfish and individualistic people act, the more resentment that builds up in the relationship.
Furthermore, the question of what your significant other can do for you builds expectations. Human beings never act predictably, so this is sure to lead to disappointment. As you get used to each other’s company and your partner starts doing less “for” you, such as cooking you dinner every day or giving you gifts, you will feel as if they don’t love you anymore. Eventually, you grow apart from each other and the unrealistic expectations threaten the relationship.
Perhaps the more important question to ask is: “What can I do together with this person?”.
For example, what hobbies or passions do you share and can you do it together? Do they spend their days off in a similar way to you? Are your values and beliefs aligned in a way that you could share a life together without too much clashing? How are they different from you, what can you learn from them and how can you help them?
The advantage of this question over the first one is that it respects that a relationship is something shared by two equals. Instead of asking what value your partner will add to your life, it instead asks how you can add to each other’s lives to produce something greater.
If you look at a crustacean, such as a crab or lobster, you will notice that they have a very tough exoskeleton. Unlike us, they have their skeleton on the outside to act as armour to protect their weak, soft insides. This allows for great protection against injuries and when battling.
But if they are contained in a rigid shell, how do these animals grow? The answer is that they moult. As they grow, crustaceans will periodically shed their armour, so that the growing inner tissues can create a larger exoskeleton to hold their body in. This is a critical period as the animal is most vulnerable, as the new exoskeleton is still soft and does not offer much protection.
Even though human bodies contain skeletons on the inside, we could consider our hearts as having an exoskeleton. Like all animals, we want to avoid pain – both physical and emotional. So as we grow up, we put up resilient walls to try to protect our weak psyche and ego, to prevent being hurt by others. But a heart with a rigid, hard shell cannot grow. Only when we lower our guard, climb out of our shells and allow ourselves to be vulnerable can we grow and mature.
Life is full of suffering and hardship. We all have our scars and traumas, but at the end of the day, we survived. If we decide to shut ourselves in to avoid connection and refuse to open up to others, we may protect ourselves from some pain. But these are the moments – when we feel like all is lost, when we feel so weak and helpless, when we are anguishing – that we are growing as a person.
Don’t be afraid of feeling weak and vulnerable – it is a necessary step for your heart to grow.
People have been giving gifts to each other since the dawn of time. It is a way we show that we care about someone by giving them something that we think they might like. There are many kinds of gifts, from sharing a snack, a flower from the side of the road, hard cash, a book, an expensive piece of jewellery or a heartfelt letter.
Even though we give and receive so many gifts – such as for birthdays, holidays and anniversaries – choosing the right gift is a difficult job. To give a good gift, you need to know the person’s needs and interests, have decent tastes and be original to some degree. Otherwise, you make the mistake of giving them something that they already have, will never use or find absolutely boring.
So what makes for a good gift? Some people may take the consumerist approach of giving an expensive gift, because it shows the other person how much they are worth to them. To practical people, the best gift may be something that the person needs at that moment, such as a new pencil case or furniture. Some may even say that they would rather give cash so the person can buy what they want instead of you having to guess it.
The problem with the above approaches is that they miss the point of gift-giving. The best gift is a gift that we got for someone because we sincerely wanted to – because we felt that this gift might bring a smile to the person receiving it. Gifts do not hold absolute value; they are not something you should treat like transactions, nor must they fulfil a certain purpose. They hold relative value, in that the value of the gift lies in how the person receiving it feels when they open it up.
For example, cash is useful, but it says nothing about how well you know someone. An expensive necklace is pretty, but anyone with enough money can buy it. If the person is financially stable, they can buy things that they need themselves. A small gift that makes the person feel special and loved is far more valuable than any jewellery.
Here are some alternative types of gifts if you cannot think of a decent gift.
The first are experiences. Money cannot buy happiness, but they can buy experiences that leave everlasting memories, such as a fancy dinner or skydiving.
The second are things that they would be hesitant or not consider buying for themselves, even if they would enjoy them. This may be an experience like above, such as a degustation, or an investment in to their hobby such as a better instrument or accessory.
Lastly, consider giving the gift of time. These are gifts that may not have much financial value, but they hold sentimental value and that require the investment of your own time. Examples include: a scrapbook of your special memories with that person, dedication of practising a performance for the person, or a mix of songs you think the person would enjoy. Because in our busy lives, the scarcest, most valuable resource is our time. By spending our precious free time to create something that celebrates our connection with the recipient of the gift, we can truly show how much we care about that person. It also ticks the box of being original and useful, because each connection is unique and they can be looked back on for nostalgia.
A gift is only as good as how the person feels when they receive it. Instead of showing how much you care through materialism, try showing how well you know them as a person and how much you value the connection that you share. A thoughtless gift is no better than not giving a gift at all.
The end of the year is as good a time as any to reflect on the days that have been and who you are now. Time to reflect is hard to come by, as life keeps us busy and on our feet constantly. But that is not enough of an excuse. We are defined by our experiences and connections, meaning that we are constantly changing to some degree. If we do not reflect, we cannot learn from our mistakes, or know what direction we are heading in because we lose sight of what we need or what is truly important to us.
Reflections can take many forms and everyone will have their own preferred style. But if you are not used to it, try the following method. If you cannot recall the last time you truly reflected on yourself, then you should definitely give reflection a try before greeting the new year.
First, consider the past.
What were the highlights of the year? When were the moments you struggled through? What relationships were made, changed or broken? This is an important step as we take inventory of all of the experiences, emotions, connections, hardships and things we learned – that is, the ingredients that you are made of. Only then can we process how these things affected us.
A loss or an ordeal may traumatise us, but they make us more resilient as we remember that despite the grief and stress, we survived. Wonderful memories remind us of the things we should be grateful for. Moments that we are proud of remind us how much we have grown. If we do not reflect on the past, you might as well have wasted the year, because it would not have added to your life in any way.
Second, consider the present.
How are you feeling right now? Are you miserable and confused, unsure of who you are and where to go from here? Or are you content and happy with how things are going? How is your relationship with your loved ones and, most importantly, with yourself? What concerns hang around in the back of your mind? What kind of person are you right now, and is it the kind of person you wanted to become? What is most important to you at the moment?
The present is a fleeting moment between the infinite past and future, but it is just as important, because we live in it. This is who you are. Too often, we are so preoccupied by our past mistakes or grand dreams of the future that we lose track of who we are right now. Make sure you have a good understanding of the present you, so that you have a solid anchor for your future self.
Lastly, consider the future. You don’t have to have the rest of your life planned out, but it is always good to have some idea of the general direction you want to head towards in the coming year. What are the things you want to leave in the past? What are the things you want to carry forward, or improve upon? What are some things you are looking forward to? What changes should you be making for your happiness? What kind of person do you want to grow up to become?
The future is wild and unpredictable. We cannot possibly know what surprises await us there: happiness, sadness, madness, death. So there is no point being anxious or afraid of the future. All we can do is be prepared by having the skills and resilience to survive through whatever the future may throw at us. Hopefully, it will be an enjoyable ride.
If this is too difficult to do just in your head, try writing a letter to two people: you from the start of this year, and you from the end of next year.
To your past self, tell them the stories from this year, the person you have become and how they will be alright.
To your future self, tell them to leave your bad habits and worries behind, while moving forward with the good connections and positive habits you have cultivated. Writing things down is a good way to process these complex reflections.
At the end of the day, it does not matter how you go about it, as long as you have given some thought about your life. Life is not a movie that we watch from a couch with a bowl of popcorn. It is your personal adventure full of decisions, actions and consequences. We cannot let it pass by like a TV show. Instead, we need to be conscious of the role we play in our own lives and actively try to make the most of it.
Many people dream of finding “The One” – the perfect romantic companion who is destined to be with you. It is a dominant trope in stories, both old and new. Plato’s The Symposium contains a story about how Zeus split human beings in two to weaken them, so we are always searching for our other half. An old Chinese tale tells the story of the “red string“ – an invisible connection between two people created when they are born, that will eventually bring the two together in the name of true love. There are countless examples of books, movies and TV shows that reinforce the notion that we will all eventually end up with just the right person.
What makes The One so special? Typically, instead of a list of ideal features such as a certain personality or look, most people describe The One as someone who they can connect with, be understood by and feel completed by; someone who they can’t imagine not being with. People who believe in the idea of The One may picture a relationship where things are easy, because the other person will just “get” them and there will be no trouble in paradise. In short, The One represents a perfect relationship with the perfect person, tailored just for you.
But how realistic is the possibility of finding The One? If we look at it from a purely statistical point of view, the chances are infinitesimal. Not only does your match have to be born of your preferred gender, but they must live in the same space and time as you at some point in your life. Even if you happen to find this one person, you have to accommodate for whether you will even notice, let alone be attracted to, them since the qualities you are looking for may vary depending on what stage of life you are at. (Read this wonderful What If? article: https://what-if.xkcd.com/9/)
Of course, the whole point of The One is that despite all of these odds, the two of you are supposed to be brought together by some external force – fate, destiny, the gods, or whatever supernatural power you believe in. Then, it is said that the moment you set eyes on each other, you will feel an instant connection and true love will be born. Some people even believe that “if it is meant to be, it will happen without fail”. Because of this, some people test their relationship by stressing it, or will be more open to letting people go because they believe that if they are truly The One, then surely they will meet again and everything will be alright. This is explored in a short story by Haruki Murakami named On Seeing The 100% Perfect Girl One Beautiful April Morning.
(Bacchus and Ariadne by Titian)
However, as beautiful as the idea of finding The One is, it can be a dangerous – even toxic – idea.
The most obvious problem is that dreaming of The One sets unrealistic expectations. Even when they are with an amazing, supportive, kind partner, some people will consider them only 80% or 90% perfect. Because of the nature of human greed, we always want something better or greater than what we possess. This makes us less grateful for what we currently have and we fail to appreciate how lucky we are to be with our partner. We may even decide to end a relationship in search of greener pastures, only to regret it and remember that person as “the one that got away”.
On the other hand, people are so afraid that they might not realise that someone is The One that they make the classic error of the sunk cost fallacy. They think that they invested so much time in this relationship that if they leave now, they will forever lose the chance to live happily ever after. This often leads to unhappy marriages and even divorce, causing people to miss out on opportunities of finding someone that they will truly be happy with.
Similarly, because we feel the pressure of time passing by while others seemingly find their soulmates and happy endings, we end up feeling desperate. This desperation may push us into forcing relationships with people who do not share our values, treat us unkindly or generally incompatible with us. Some people will fake an encounter with a supposed soulmate, marry them and hide their problems and resentment, while struggling to put on a happy face for the rest of the world.
Another problem with believing in The One is the concept of fate. It is comforting to think that things are predetermined, but this also makes us lazy. What is the point of looking for the right person or fighting to make a relationship work when fate will just throw you The One at some point in your life? If you believe in fate, it makes you complacent and take less action. Instead of taking the leap of faith, communicating and trying to improve yourself, you think instead “it shouldn’t be this hard if they were The One” and give up. Believing that there is someone out there set aside for you is entitlement. Much like anything in the world, luck and probability will only take you so far. Good things will only come to you if you take action and make an effort.
The inherent flaw in the concept of The One is that it is a black-and-white, binary question: “is this person perfect”? The quest for perfection is as futile as a dog chasing its own tail. When the standard you are comparing everything or everyone is perfection, you are sure to be disappointed.
Furthermore, how can we demand a perfect person when we are not perfect ourselves? As we mature, our preferences and needs change with us. Is it not arrogant to think that we know ourselves so well that we can pick out someone that we think will be perfect for the rest of our lives at first glance?
The perfect partner is not someone that will understand our every action, thoughts and words, and cater to our every need. The perfect partner is someone who possesses qualities we value, have imperfections that we can accept and will communicate openly so that we can work things out with them. No human being is perfect, so every relationship needs to be fine-tuned, negotiated and improved on, which involves each person undergoing change, compromise and sacrifices.
This philosophy sets a much more realistic expectation on our partners and ourselves. We don’t have to be perfect or find someone who is perfect: we just have to find someone who is willing to work with us to become perfect for each other eventually. Someone who makes us happy, while helping us grow to be someone that can make them happy.
There is no one true “The One”. The One that matters is the one who – out of all the imperfect people out there – you chose because you find them awesome and want to try work with to build a happy relationship together, and they feel the same way about you.
The One is someone you made a conscious choice to round them up to The One.
When do we feel awkward? We feel awkward when we don’t know how to act in a certain social situation. For example, some people find it awkward interacting with new people at a party, while others find it awkward to be in the same room as an ex-partner. This is because we cannot predict how the other person will react to how we act, what we say and who we are. Almost everyone is socially awkward to some degree, because we are social animals who fear rejection from the group.
But like anything in life, we can overcome awkwardness. Let us look at two different situations we feel awkward in and how we might remedy this.
With strangers, we feel awkward because we do not know them well enough to predict their perception of and reaction to us. It is hard to tell if our joke would offend them in some way, or if they would judge us for a certain personality quirk. We worry that they will scoff or laugh at us, and that we will be social outcasts.
The solution is simple: don’t care. Don’t care about how a stranger judges you, when they barely know the intricate blend of life experience, personality traits, thoughts and feelings that make up who you are. The only opinion you should care about is what you think of yourself (and maybe of one or two people you trust most in the world to know you best). When you lose your sense of shame and take pride in who you are, you will feel more confident and less awkward.
What about someone you know well, but with whom you have gone through an awkward situation, such as a break-up or a fight? The awkwardness here stems from the fact that you do not know how that situation has changed your relationship. You no longer know if the same rules of engagement apply as before. Is it okay to hug them? Is it okay to talk about the past? What do they think of us now? All of these neurotic questions make us anxious, and to avoid them, we avoid the person altogether. But because the other person feels just as awkward, the relationship wilts away until it cannot be repaired.
Here, the solution is simple, but takes a lot of work: communication. It is impossible to know what the other person is thinking and vice versa. To clear up the awkwardness, we need to talk about our feelings and clear up misunderstandings. This does not necessarily have to be through a face-to-face talk with words. We can show this through our actions, by showing our willingness to rebuild the connection and that we still care about the other person. If either person did not care about the other person at all, then there is no awkwardness because there is a clear answer. Awkwardness is a sign that both sides wants to fix this situation, but they don’t know how.
Awkwardness is a form of anxiety that stems from our concerns of what others think of us. Remember: it’s not awkward unless we let it be awkward.
One of the biggest lies told to us by the world is that of the happy ending. Almost every fairy tale (modern versions, at least) ends with a happily ever after, as do many books and movies. In spite of all the twists, conflicts and climaxes, we are told that everything will be okay once you achieve your goal, whether that is finding the hidden treasure, heroically winning a battle or marrying your true love.
With this in mind, young people fight hard to achieve their goals, as we believe that once we succeed, we will be happy for the rest of our lives. To do this, some people sacrifice their health and time with their loved ones to advance their career. Some people will rush to find a partner to settle down with, so they can fulfil their dream of getting married and owning a house. Others will focus all of their energy accumulating wealth for the future, even if it means not spending a single dime that is deemed unnecessary. Whether it is professionally, romantically or financially, we often cling to the idea that success is a finish line that can be crossed, while happiness awaits on the other side.
But life is not like the movies. We dream of beautiful weddings, but soon realise that it is not a happy ending; it is the beginning of an arduous journey requiring much sacrifice and compromise. We learn that even with all the possessions and wealth in the world, human greed always craves for something more. Unlike the movies, life does not cut to the credits once you succeed in one thing. It is a series of events that goes on and on until you die. No matter how much you succeed, there is always the possibility of failure.
The issue with the idea of happy endings is that it defines happiness as a reward at the end of a quest. This is a lie. Happiness is not something you attain, but a way of life. It is a state, much like flying, where forces outside of your control will try to pull you down from it, but you can push yourself back up with the right tools and skills. You have to fuel yourself with sustainable sources of happiness, such as connections and passions. As a bird must keep flapping its wings every now and then to remain in the air, one must continue to nurture and maintain their own happiness.
They say that if you give a man a fish, you feed him for a day, but if you teach a man to fish, then you feed him for a lifetime. Instead of giving children the false promise of happy endings, we should be teaching them how to journey through life with a happy state of mind.
“I always had this idea that you should never give up a happy middle in the hopes of a happy ending, because there is no such thing as a happy ending. Do you know what I mean? There is so much to lose.”
