Tag: relationships

Posted in Life & Happiness, Special Long Essays

The One

Posted on by Jinavie

Many people dream of finding “The One” – the perfect romantic companion who is destined to be with you. It is a dominant trope in stories, both old and new. Plato’s The Symposium contains a story about how Zeus split human beings in two to weaken them, so we are always searching for our other half. An old Chinese tale tells the story of the “red string“ – an invisible connection between two people created when they are born, that will eventually bring the two together in the name of true love. There are countless examples of books, movies and TV shows that reinforce the notion that we will all eventually end up with just the right person.

What makes The One so special? Typically, instead of a list of ideal features such as a certain personality or look, most people describe The One as someone who they can connect with, be understood by and feel completed by; someone who they can’t imagine not being with.  People who believe in the idea of The One may picture a relationship where things are easy, because the other person will just “get” them and there will be no trouble in paradise. In short, The One represents a perfect relationship with the perfect person, tailored just for you.

But how realistic is the possibility of finding The One? If we look at it from a purely statistical point of view, the chances are infinitesimal. Not only does your match have to be born of your preferred gender, but they must live in the same space and time as you at some point in your life. Even if you happen to find this one person, you have to accommodate for whether you will even notice, let alone be attracted to, them since the qualities you are looking for may vary depending on what stage of life you are at. (Read this wonderful What If? article: https://what-if.xkcd.com/9/)

Of course, the whole point of The One is that despite all of these odds, the two of you are supposed to be brought together by some external force – fate, destiny, the gods, or whatever supernatural power you believe in. Then, it is said that the moment you set eyes on each other, you will feel an instant connection and true love will be born. Some people even believe that “if it is meant to be, it will happen without fail”. Because of this, some people test their relationship by stressing it, or will be more open to letting people go because they believe that if they are truly The One, then surely they will meet again and everything will be alright. This is explored in a short story by Haruki Murakami named On Seeing The 100% Perfect Girl One Beautiful April Morning.

(Bacchus and Ariadne by Titian)

However, as beautiful as the idea of finding The One is, it can be a dangerous – even toxic – idea.

The most obvious problem is that dreaming of The One sets unrealistic expectations. Even when they are with an amazing, supportive, kind partner, some people will consider them only 80% or 90% perfect. Because of the nature of human greed, we always want something better or greater than what we possess. This makes us less grateful for what we currently have and we fail to appreciate how lucky we are to be with our partner. We may even decide to end a relationship in search of greener pastures, only to regret it and remember that person as “the one that got away”.

On the other hand, people are so afraid that they might not realise that someone is The One that they make the classic error of the sunk cost fallacy. They think that they invested so much time in this relationship that if they leave now, they will forever lose the chance to live happily ever after. This often leads to unhappy marriages and even divorce, causing people to miss out on opportunities of finding someone that they will truly be happy with.

Similarly, because we feel the pressure of time passing by while others seemingly find their soulmates and happy endings, we end up feeling desperate. This desperation may push us into forcing relationships with people who do not share our values, treat us unkindly or generally incompatible with us. Some people will fake an encounter with a supposed soulmate, marry them and hide their problems and resentment, while struggling to put on a happy face for the rest of the world.

Another problem with believing in The One is the concept of fate. It is comforting to think that things are predetermined, but this also makes us lazy. What is the point of looking for the right person or fighting to make a relationship work when fate will just throw you The One at some point in your life? If you believe in fate, it makes you complacent and take less action. Instead of taking the leap of faith, communicating and trying to improve yourself, you think instead “it shouldn’t be this hard if they were The One” and give up. Believing that there is someone out there set aside for you is entitlement. Much like anything in the world, luck and probability will only take you so far. Good things will only come to you if you take action and make an effort.

The inherent flaw in the concept of The One is that it is a black-and-white, binary question: “is this person perfect”? The quest for perfection is as futile as a dog chasing its own tail. When the standard you are comparing everything or everyone is perfection, you are sure to be disappointed.

Furthermore, how can we demand a perfect person when we are not perfect ourselves? As we mature, our preferences and needs change with us. Is it not arrogant to think that we know ourselves so well that we can pick out someone that we think will be perfect for the rest of our lives at first glance?

The perfect partner is not someone that will understand our every action, thoughts and words, and cater to our every need. The perfect partner is someone who possesses qualities we value, have imperfections that we can accept and will communicate openly so that we can work things out with them. No human being is perfect, so every relationship needs to be fine-tuned, negotiated and improved on, which involves each person undergoing change, compromise and sacrifices.

This philosophy sets a much more realistic expectation on our partners and ourselves. We don’t have to be perfect or find someone who is perfect: we just have to find someone who is willing to work with us to become perfect for each other eventually. Someone who makes us happy, while helping us grow to be someone that can make them happy.

There is no one true “The One”. The One that matters is the one who – out of all the imperfect people out there – you chose because you find them awesome and want to try work with to build a happy relationship together, and they feel the same way about you.

The One is someone you made a conscious choice to round them up to The One.

(Image source: Puuung http://www.grafolio.com/puuung1)

Posted in Science & Nature

Maze

Posted on by Jinavie

A maze is a puzzle with a simple rule – travel from start to finish. The tricky part is that the path from start to finish is not straightforward, but full of twists and turns. It is usually packed in a compact rectangle or circle, with numerous forks and branches. Because of its simplicity, it has been a popular puzzle for millennia.

Like any puzzle, there are tricks to solving mazes. The most basic, but highly effective rule, is the right-hand rule. This is a form of wall following rule, where you run the maze while tracing the wall your right hand is touching. Keep following a wall with your right hand and you will eventually reach the end. 

The rule works for most simple mazes that are simply-connected, where each wall is connected to the outermost wall. But in some cases, the maze is not simply-connected and you will end up in a loop. In this case, you will eventually end back at the beginning, so you will have to try follow a different wall (i.e. use your left hand instead and see how you go).

One of the most famous mazes in history is the Cretan labyrinth, featured in Greek mythology (likely based on the actual palace of Knossos). The Cretan labyrinth was a cryptic maze within the palace the housed the fearsome minotaur, to whom human sacrifices were sent to be devoured. The minotaur is slain by the hero Theseus, who navigates the labyrinth and safely escapes by using a ball of thread given to him by the princess, Ariadne, as a trace.

Mazes were especially popular amongst nobles in Europe, with many castles featuring hedge mazes as part of their magnificent gardens. It is likely that these mazes were popular not because they offer an intellectual challenge, but because it is an ideal date location. 

Walking a maze gives you a sense of intimacy, because the paths are narrow and you can only perceive a small space of 10-20 square metres, due to its many-walled nature. You walk side-by-side with each other, while your footsteps echo on the hedges. You have nothing else to distract you other than plain walls and the sky, so you can focus on each other. But most importantly, it provides privacy, by transporting you to a secret, little world of your own.

Posted in Life & Happiness

Should I Stay Or Should I Go

Posted on by Jinavie

Life is a series of choices. As you only live once, you must decide what type of life you will lead. However, we are plagued by the uncertainty of the future. How will we know that we made the right choice? The career you decided on as you entered university could become obsolete in 20 years due to technological advances. You might end up regretting uprooting your life to move to a new city.

Perhaps the most difficult choice is the question of whether we are in love with the “right person”. Even if your partner is a perfectly nice, kind person, you may feel that something is missing. Some people call it chemistry, others call it connection, some even believe in fate and destiny. We are wired to try predict the future to protect ourselves. Therefore, it is natural to be concerned that we may end up with the “wrong person”: love’s equivalent of buyer’s remorse.

Ideally, we want to be with someone who we can’t imagine not being with. Someone who you can enjoy the silence of a Sunday afternoon with comfortably. Someone who you can be silly with like children. Someone who you can open up to for support and understanding without fear of being judged. Essentially, someone who completes the equation of 1 + 1 = 3, rather than the typical 1 + 1 = 2.

If you find someone like that, all you have to do is focus all of your energy in making that relationship work, through communication, compromise, kindness and love. Unfortunately, it is not uncommon to find ourselves feeling that the person is 70% the person for us – maybe even 80% – but we are not sure if we are sacrificing the possibility of being with “the one”.

There are two possible solutions. If you have hope that this is the right person for you, you could give them a chance by giving it your best shot and see if things improve or not. Perhaps there are barriers easily solved through communication.

But if the seed of doubt in your heart grows, saying that this is not the right person for you, consider what you would do if you were unhappy with other aspects of your life. If you hated your job, you would train in a different discipline. If you hate the new city you moved to, you can always move to a different one.

Love is a choice. Whether you choose to stay and try to make it work, or choose to leave in search of a person who you feel a deeper connection with, it is up to you to make a choice.

Life is difficult, but at least we have the luxury of choice. Fear gives us tunnel vision – we can only envision one possible way our life will play out. By settling with the comfortable choice, you may be extinguishing the possibilities of a happier life.

It takes great courage to make a choice. But regardless of the outcome, at least you gave it an honest go; you took charge of your life and tried to live a happier life with less regrets.

Take a step back to examine your life – are you truly content with it? Or is fear blinding you from the leaps of faith that can make you happier?

Posted in Life & Happiness

Dull Knife

Posted on by Jinavie

Which is more dangerous in the kitchen: a sharpened knife or a dull knife? Common sense would dictate that the sharpened knife is obviously more dangerous as it can cut you more easily. But as every chef will tell you, a dull knife is much more dangerous.

This is because a sharp knife will cut through your ingredients with ease and as long as you handle it with care and pay attention, the risk of cutting yourself is very low.
A dull knife on the other hand, will often slip and slide over the ingredient because it can’t cut straight through. This makes it more likely that it will slip off the food and slice your fingers instead.

Think of your relationships as a knife. Like with anything, we become used to and comfortable with our partners and friends over time. We sometimes unintentionally become lazy and careless around them, forgetting basic etiquette and the effort we put in at the start to cultivate that relationship. Much like a dull knife, we can easily make a mistake and deeply hurt the other person in this state. It might be because you accidentally said something hurtful or lost interest in their passions. In general, it is easier to become less attentive and thoughtful of the other person because you have been “dulled”.

No master chef would keep their knives unsharpened, for how could they prepare a delicious meal if they did not care? We expect our relationships to be immortal in the face of time thanks to the power of love, but the heart and soul will wear out like anything else without proper care and maintenance.

So how do we know how often to “sharpen” our relationships? It’s simple: stay mindful that your relationship is something that needs constant care.

Be attentive to the other person, be generous with your kindness and never take them for granted. The best way to prevent you from being dulled to something is constantly reminding yourself how grateful you are to have that person in your life. That way, your metaphorical knife will stay sharpened and it will be much harder to hurt your loved ones.

(Image source: Puuung http://www.grafolio.com/puuung1)

Posted in Psychology & Medicine

White Elephant

Posted on by Jinavie

In many Southeast Asian countries such as Thailand and Burma, owning a white elephant has been traditionally considered a show of great opulence. To this day, white elephant are a symbol of peace and prosperity and are kept by royalties of some countries. On occasion, a monarch would bestow a white elephant upon a citizen to reward them for their service to the country. But this was regarded as a blessing and a curse, as elephants are notoriously difficult and costly to maintain.

Today, the term white elephant refers to items that are gifted that serve little practical use and take up space, such as tasteless decorations. In some cultures, “white elephant swaps” are held around Christmas where people will trade gifts, under the philosophy that “one man’s trash is another man’s treasure”.

A related psychological phenomenon is the sunk cost fallacy. This is when a person sees that an action or investment they made has an increasingly bleak outlook, but instead of bailing, they make the irrational choice to continue. For example, you may pay $3000 for a car, which then breaks down. The mechanic bills you $1500 for repairs, which you choose to pay. The car breaks down again and this time it costs $2000 to repair. You think that since you have already invested $4500 in this car, it is worth paying $2000 to repair it. However, you have now spent $6500 on a car that may cost you even more in the future. The more you invest in it, the more you justify keeping it as you feel you are committed to the investment, resulting in a greater loss.

The sunk cost fallacy affects many aspects of our lives. A common example is relationships. Many people will settle down with someone they do not think is the “right one”. But despite many warning signs you are not very compatible with your partner, people think “well, I invested all this time with this person, I might as well see it through”. Eventually, the two end up in a bitter marriage, regretting that they did not break up earlier to find someone that they could be happy with.

The reason we fall into the sunk cost fallacy is that we do not want to “waste” the investment we have put in already. But economically speaking, you will profit far more by walking away from a bad decision as early as possible. It is a “sunk cost” which you will never get back.

Now think about your life. Are you really happy in your job or relationship? Or are you lying to yourself that it will be alright because you don’t want to face the cruel reality that you chose poorly? Knowing about the sunk cost fallacy will help you save time and money, whether it be putting down a bad book before you finish it, or learning when to walk away from the wrong commitment.

(Image source: https://xkcd.com/1768/)

Posted in Life & Happiness

The Gift Of Flowers

Posted on by Jinavie

Why do we give flowers to express our love for another person? Handwritten letters take effort and pouring out your heart, while diamonds represent eternity. Flowers on the other hand, are easy to acquire and will eventually wilt away. Of course, that is a rather cynical view. There are numerous reasons why people choose flowers as gifts.

Flowers have a language of their own, so choosing the right flower can mean all the difference for a person who has an interest in flowers. For example, red roses represent true love and passion, lilies represent innocence and purity, while lilacs represent memories of youth and your first love.

It is true that flowers are not permanent things, but they symbolise an aspect of love that is more important than “eternity”.
A flower wilts when it is not cared for. Flowers wilt when they are not given enough water or just left in stale water for days without changing the vase water. Every flower needs different kind of care, for example, an orchid may wilt if left in direct sunlight and should be kept in indirect light.

Relationships are inherently dynamic – if you do not pay enough attention to the other person and constantly care and make an effort, it will slowly wilt until it dries up into bitterness. In that regard, perhaps flowers are a better gift than diamonds to symbolise love, as it is a reminder how true love is not something you expect to always stay the same, but something that you have to work hard to maintain.

Or perhaps there is a simpler reason we give flowers to each other. They are simply beautiful to look at add a fresh aroma to the environment. At the most superficial level, a lovely bouquet of flowers is a pleasant thing to receive. Perhaps beyond all the metaphors and hidden meaning, all we wish to say is: “I want to put a smile on your face”.

Posted in Psychology & Medicine

Autopilot

Posted on by Jinavie

Anyone who drives to work knows the strange sensation of realising that you have no memory of driving the last few kilometres. It is as if you turn on an autopilot in your brain. Because your brain is a master of pattern recognition, it analyses the route and all the movements like handle turning that takes you to the destination then converts it into a habit. After many commutes, the habit is so strong that the brain does not need to spare any thought on the activity. Ergo, your brain literally turns on an autopilot for you so to spare brainpower.

Thanks to this autopilot, the brain does not have to think about the drive to work. This means that it creates no new memories about the commute and you come out the other side not remembering the drive. An analogy would be to think of your brain’s information processing ability as if it was taking photos. The more new information it processes, the more photos it takes. Because your commute is an automatic process, the brain takes hardly any photos. Therefore, the “album” has few photos and takes little time to flip through. In comparison, your brain takes far more photos if you were to spend an equal time exploring a new scenic route. When you look back on this drive, the album is much thicker and you perceive it as a longer, more detailed memory.

Of course, this is extremely dangerous as your brain’s autopilot does not protect you from changes to your usual commute, such as a car swerving into you by accident. The automatic process means your brain is less ready for information processing and you have a delayed reaction, which may cost you your life.

The same goes for meeting a new person. On a first date, you learn many things about the other person and your brain frantically takes as many photos as it can. Looking back on it, it feels as if every second lasted forever and you can remember every little detail like the song that was playing in the background or the colour of her nails. But twenty years down the line, a day with that same person might feel less special and more “automatic”. Just like your drive to work, such an “autopilot” might result in a horrible accident.

So never stop paying attention to details, avoid forming ruts with surprises and new things. Don’t let your relationship turn into a boring commute.

Posted in Simple Pleasures of Life

Simple Pleasures of Life #21

Posted on by Jinavie

Love.

I don’t know if that counts as “simple”. But despite all the work and emotional energy that goes into a loving relationship – be it family, friend or lover – love is essentially a simple pleasure. Even when you’re having the most difficult day, a fleeting image of that person’s smile or a memory you shared will instantly restore your energy and put a smile on your face.

For example, I get flashbacks to my childhood and the days I spent with my parents and that makes me happy. Or I’ll think of some crazy adventures that I’ve been on with close friends. Or various other memories with people I cared about that makes me laugh to myself.

As four wise men once sang, all you need is love.