Tag: emotional intelligence

Posted in Life & Happiness

Express Yourself

Posted on by Jinavie

Emotion is a funny thing, in that we all feel emotions, but we each express them in different ways. Some people are great at verbalising how they are feeling about something, while others will be reluctant to share their emotional state with others. There are many factors involved, such as the individual’s upbringing, cultural background, personality type and past experiences.

In general, society seems to encourage people to hide their emotions. People who cry in front of others are seen as weak and fragile. People who smile and laugh a lot are seen as untrustworthy or foolish. Because of these stigmas, people learn to hide their emotions more and more as they grow up. We try our best to appear rational, calm and professional in the eyes of others.

But emotion is not a tame horse that can be controlled so easily. It is like a wild elephant that will behave irrationally and impulsively, and as the rider, we can only try to steer it on the right path. Because the elephant is so much more powerful than the rider, it is foolish to resist against it and try to force it to go a certain way.

This means that when people try to stop their emotions, it finds another way to be expressed. When you suppress your anger and worries, it manifests as cranky behaviour, causing you to lash out at the blameless people around you. When you try to hold back your tears, it will build up and up until it causes subconscious trauma. Worst of all, if you continue to suppress your emotions, your emotional intelligence will dim, and your ability to recognise and interpret your emotions will atrophy away. This will make you even more vulnerable to extreme swings in emotions, giving you even less control.

The solution to all of this is simple – express yourself. It is okay to cry. It is okay to laugh. It is okay to feel. Watch a sappy movie or a hilarious show to explore the breadth of your emotional range. Practise laughing out loud often. Make it a habit to be mindful of how you are feeling currently, and be comfortable in expressing that to another human being.

Emotions are a natural part of our identity and others have no right to strip that away from you to make you a lesser person. Of course, you need to be able to read the room and be able to compose yourself if the situation calls for it, but for the most part, little harm can come from you being able to show others how you are feeling.

More importantly, it is difficult for your loved ones to truly understand who you are if you do not communicate your emotions to them. If you didn’t share that you were stressed at work today, they may think your sullen mood and solemnity were due to their wrongdoing. Emotion drives us in so many different ways, so it is impossible for your partner to understand the intent behind your actions and words if they don’t know how you are feeling. Communication helps clear up the misunderstandings, letting you build a deeper connection.

Embrace the emotional elephant within you and learn to become friends with it. It will make the journey of life much smoother and less rocky.

(Image source: Puuung http://www.grafolio.com/puuung1)

Posted in Life & Happiness

Wonder

Posted on by Jinavie

A common trait seen among children is their sense of wonder. Whether it is a magic trick, an exotic animal or a breathtaking view, children will not hold back in expressing how amazed they are and how excited they are to see it. When they learn or experience something new and amazing, children will be ecstatic that their horizons are now broader. This is because the young, curious mind is always hungry for new information and experiences, and children care little about being judged for being passionate about something.

As we grow older, we lose our sense of wonder. We become weary from the stress of life and our hearts become dulled to experiencing joy and excitement. Instead of relying on our ability to feel amazement as a source of happiness, we rely on external factors such as the attention of other people, chemicals such as alcohol or cigarettes, or passive entertainment such as watching television. As we use it less and less, our sense of wonder wilts away.

This is unfortunate because this sense of wonder is exactly what we need to counteract the stress and misery that adult life brings. Even though we have grown up to become cynical and – sadly – boring, there is still so much in the world to be amazed by.

Travelling exposes us to new horizons to pursue, new perspectives to see from and new experiences to have. The people around us have countless stories to tell us of their own experiences, if we stop to listen. Even during your ordinary day, you can stop and look up to enjoy the clear blue sky, the colourful sunset and the star-strewn night sky. We are surrounded by amazing things, but we fail to notice them.

The lesson we can learn from children is that it is okay to feel positive emotions and to express them. Because of tradition and societal pressures, we learn to hide or even deny our own emotions because it is seen as a sign of weakness. But we are still creatures ruled by waves of internal emotions, and if we don’t learn how to ride the waves, then the waves will overwhelm us.

Next time you feel miserable, take a minute and look around you: what might a child be amazed by in your surroundings, or in your current life? Consider that the old building you pass on your commute has a rich history spanning centuries. Consider that your “boring” elderly neighbour would have led a life full of excitement, sadness and joy, just like you. Consider the vastness of the universe and how little we know about it, and how insignificant we are in the grand scheme of things.

Be curious. Be amazed. Be excited. You will find it adds so much colour to your life.

Posted in Life & Happiness

Faces Of A Cube

Posted on by Jinavie

Find a cube-shaped object near you and pick it up. How many faces can you see? No matter how you turn it, you can only see a maximum of three faces at a time. To see each of the six faces of the cube, you must look at the cube from different perspectives.

If we can only see half of the faces of a simple cube, then what about people? Too often, we judge people by the one face that we can see at a given time. Assumptions are made about their intentions and motivations, and the miscommunication drives wedges between relationships. We assume that the waiter was rude to us, without considering that they may be exhausted from a double shift. We assume that our partners are being selfish or stubborn, without considering what past traumas and experiences may be pushing them to act a certain way. We lament how much pain other people cause us, without giving a thought as to why that person is acting that way, or how they might be feeling.

This is because we instinctively want to protect our own feelings, by becoming defensive and blaming others. But this is a great barrier to connecting to other people. How can we even begin to understand another person if we refuse to budge from one point of view, seeing only a few facets of their identity and persona?

You cannot solve a Rubik’s cube if you only look at half of its faces. If you want to develop a deeper connection with someone, you must make an effort to see things from different perspectives so that you can appreciate who they are in their entirety.

A very important element of emotional intelligence is the ability to recognise why you or another person are feeling a certain way and explore it rationally. If you feel hurt by someone’s actions, avoid jumping to conclusions and instead try to see it from another perspective. Why might this person be acting this way? How are their emotions and past experiences shaping their actions? Which faces of that person are you not seeing from your current point of view?

The ability to change your perspective is a difficult, but powerful social tool. The more you practise this skill, the more misunderstandings you will clear up and the less you will be hurt by other people by accident.

Posted in Psychology & Medicine

Emotional Intelligence

Posted on by Jinavie

Out of all the traits and skills we value, admire and teach to our children, one of the most neglected seems to be that of emotional intelligence. Most people are not even aware what emotional intelligence really means.

Emotional intelligence can be summarised as the ability to recognise, analyse and control the emotions of yourself and others around you. It begins with recognising the presence of an emotion, either through mindfulness or empathy. Once the emotion has been identified, analyse that emotion: where it came from, what effect it is having on the current situation and what the subtext may be. Lastly, use this information to prevent yourself from overreacting, or to understand why someone may be reacting so defensively or aggressively and how to defuse the situation.

Harnessing the power of emotions is a very useful skill. We like to think of ourselves as highly advanced, intelligent beings, but we are still ruled by basic instincts and emotions embedded deep in our brains. Emotional intelligence works to give us more control over our behaviour and unlocking the power to live a happier life. More importantly, it lets us improve the lives of those around us as we are less likely to do or say hurtful things, while being a more kind, supportive human being.

Let us take an example. You are frustrated at your partner because she has not texted back for over a day. Using emotional intelligence, you recognise that you are feeling angry, but also disappointment and rejection. Further analysis shows that these stem from a subconscious expectation that if she cared about you, she would have texted you. The real reason that you are angry at your partner stems from your insecurities, possibly even past trust or abandonment issues. You also remember that she has been very stressed with a project recently, so she may not be in the mood to talk. The end result is that instead of sending passive-aggressive signals at your partner and creating a rift in your relationship, you bring some chocolate ice cream to cheer your partner up.

Like any other kind of intelligence, emotional intelligence must be learned through education and practice. We cannot rein in our emotions if we have never thought about how our past affects us or what motivates or scares us. We cannot possibly understand why the other person is reacting a certain way, if we never trained the ability to see things from their perspective. We cannot help others process emotions such as depression and anxiety, if we cannot understand our own emotions.

We can teach ourselves to be more emotionally intelligent. Meditation and self-reflection allows us to catalogue and interpret your range of emotions. Reading books helps us understand that other people may have a different way of seeing the world. Having deep and meaningful conversations with your loved ones lets you clear up misunderstandings and better learn why people react a certain way in given situations.

We can then apply this knowledge to constantly hone our skills. It may sound exhausting, but every time you feel a strong emotion – whether it is negative or positive – try to analyse it with your rational mind. The more you practise, the more you will be in touch with your own emotions.

Emotional intelligence is an invaluable tool on the journey of life. With increasing levels of emotional intelligence, you quickly realise why things are the way they are. We are all scared little children in the playground, pulling someone’s hair because we cannot tell them that we love them, or punching someone in the face because we cannot withstand the inexplicable surges of insecurity and self-doubt.

Now look back on yourself: how have emotions affected your life and your relationships? What fights and sufferings could have been avoided had you stopped to interpret the emotions and simply talked things out?
The emotional side of you is an integral part of your identity. Why make it your worst enemy when it can be your best ally?

Posted in Psychology & Medicine

Creative Outlet

Posted on by Jinavie

A popular factoid (a popular piece of trivia that is actually false) is that the brain has two sides: the rational, logical left brain and the creative, emotional right brain. The human brain does have differences between the two hemispheres, but there is no evidence that there is a clear division of functions between the two. The factoid is meant to be a figurative description of the brain.

Although the factoid is medically wrong, we can still learn something from it. All of us lead very busy lives. We are overworked and have little free time and energy. Our minds are filled with facts and figures, as we have high expectations of being specialists in a given field. Our “rational” mind works in overdrive to plan our careers and schedules, while churning through data at work like a computer. On the other hand, our “creative” mind is neglected.

If you look at a child, they are avatars of creativity. They imagine entire worlds, they think outside the box and they are constantly singing and dancing and drawing. But the older we get, the more we lose this side. We lack the time to play our saxophones that we loved as a teenager. Our cameras gather dust in the bookshelf. Our notebooks yearn to be filled with poems, lyrics and stories. All because we “don’t have time”.

Creative outlets are extremely important as they provide balance. Our rational mind provides logical intelligence, but our creative mind is the source of emotional intelligence. If it is neglected, it atrophies and withers away like any muscle that is not used for a long time. We lose our ability to regulate our emotions, to empathise with one another and we forget how to be happy.
Having a creative outlet gives you a chance to enter flow state and escape the stress and dreariness that comes with modern life. It strengthens your emotional intelligence so that you become more mindful of your own emotions.
In short, it is key to enjoying a happier, more balanced life.

But even if you understand the importance, there is the practical problem of not having enough time. The solution is simple: make time for it. Why is it that we set aside time to go for a run to improve our physical health, yet we cannot spare any time to improve our mental health? Whether it be singing a song in the car during your commute, or doodling a sketch while you drink a cup of coffee, there is always time to indulge your creative side.

The best part of having a creative outlet is that it does not have to be for an audience. It can be for your own enjoyment. Even if you make mistakes because you didn’t have time to practise, no one will judge you. What is important is that you dedicate some amount of time every week so that you can get back into forming a habit. Feel free to make mistakes, to be silly and to just enjoy yourself.

If you feel more confident, you could try carefully sharing your creativity with your friends and loved ones. It may be ignored, but it may strike a chord with someone who shares your passion. You may learn about a deeper side to them and it may strengthen your connection. It might even inspire them to foster their own creative outlets. Furthermore, if someone happens to like your work and gives you positive feedback, it will fill your heart with pride and joy.

Creativity is more than just a hobby; it is a state of mind. If you feel that you lost it somewhere along the way of growing up, don’t worry. Just think back to when you were a little kid drawing with crayons and the pure bliss you experienced when you were “in the zone” with your instrument as a teen. You will realise that the creative spark still glimmers in your heart, waiting to burn brightly again.

(Image source: Puuung http://www.grafolio.com/puuung1)