Tag: before sunrise

Posted in Psychology & Medicine

How To Fall In Love

Posted on by Jinavie

In 1997, psychologist Arthur Aron and his team published a paper explaining how to accelerate the development of intimacy between two people. The team came up with a list of 36 questions divided in to three sets – each set with more probing questions than the last – and made a pair of strangers answer each question in order. In later versions of the study, participants were also told to lock eyes for four minutes after finishing the questions, to create even more intimacy.

The team found that this method significantly increased the closeness felt between two people compared to standard small talk. More interestingly, even if people had different personalities (e.g. introvert and extrovert), or one person thought the other did not share any commonalities with them, the method worked.

It does not take a scientist to figure out why this method is so effective in fostering closeness. We feel close and connected to people who we feel we can open ourselves up to. When we love someone, we reveal our physical weak spots, such as showing our neckline or exposing our torso as we greet them with a hug. We also open up our psychological weak spots: our vulnerabilities, our insecurities and our neuroses.

When the other person reciprocates by showing us their own inner selves (instead of bolting out the door), we feel safe as we trust them not to hurt us. We allow them to see who we really are behind the mask and shield, welcoming the connection between our souls.

The foundation of a strong relationship is open communication, honesty, mutual trust and understanding. The questionnaire is simply a rough beginner’s guide to exploring each other’s identity, so that we can learn more about ourselves and each other. It means that if we want to connect with someone, we must talk to them openly, rather than trying to investigate their lives via social media, assuming their thoughts and intentions, or playing games.

The questions are as follows. Try completing it with someone you wish to get to know better, ideally in a comfortable, peaceful space.

Set I

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?

3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?

4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?

5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.

12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

Set II

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?

14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?

15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

16. What do you value most in a friendship?

17. What is your most treasured memory?

18. What is your most terrible memory?

19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

20. What does friendship mean to you?

21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?

22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.

23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?

24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

Set III

25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling…”

26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share…”

27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.

28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.

29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.

30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.

32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?

34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?

35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?

36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

Posted in Life & Happiness

Ulysses Bucket List

Posted on by Jinavie

The following is an abridged story from a user on the internet site Reddit. It details the background of what he came to call the Ulysses Bucket List.

At the age of 15, the user ran away from home with no money or plan. He hopped on a train and decided to ride it as far as it would go. To his surprise, the line only lasted less than an hour and he decided to ride it all the way back again, to give himself more time to think about where to go from here. Just as the train was about to leave – back to where the user first got on – a girl came on the train and sat behind him. A short while later, she got up and sat down next to him, asking why he was writing on a napkin. 

The user told her his story and that he was trying to plan how he wanted to live his life on the napkin. She laughed and they ended up getting to know each other. The 17-year old girl was riding to the end of the line, so he decided to stay on the train to keep talking to her. But the train ride was short and they soon had to say goodbye at the train station.

Before saying goodbye, she turned to him and asked a question that would become a wonderful part of the boy’s life. She asked: 

“Tell me something you have done, or want to do, that you think I should do? It can be anything, as challenging as you want it to be, or as easy. As long as you give me the rest of my life to complete it, I promise I will do it.“

He was confused but agreed, and told her: ”Sing a song acapella in a room full of strangers.” She said that’s perfect and asked him if he would like a challenge as well, to which he agreed. Her challenge was: “Read, from start to finish, Ulysses by James Joyce.” After that strange exchange, the boy and the girl went their own ways, not knowing if they would ever see each other again.

For 12 years, the user tried and tried to read the book from cover to cover, but failed to finish the 780-page book. But even so, each time he picked up Ulysses, he would think back to that day and of her. Soon after parting ways with her, he’d realised something important. He decided to keep it going – with as many strangers as possible. Whenever he would leave someone whom he shared an experience with, he would add them to his “Ulysses Bucket List” – he would ask them to give him a challenge, as difficult or as easy as they want it to be, regardless of the fact that they have done it or not; simply something their heart had always wanted to do.

Through his travels, he received and completed challenges such as jumping into a body of water on a cold day without checking the temperature, buying twice as much food he intended on eating in a week and giving half to a stranger, and telling five people he hated the most that he loved and respected them. Some were simple but challenging, such as skydiving, while some were life-changing, such as a girl telling him that whenever he got mad at someone, walk away, sing his happy song in his head for 5 minutes and then go back to the person with a calm mind to work things out.

The Ulysses Bucket List not only pushed the user to broaden his horizons and do things he usually wouldn’t, but it also made all the people he met unforgettable, as each challenge would spark a memory of the person and the beautiful experiences and memories he shared with them. Despite all of the amazing memories and challenges – both those he’s completed and those he’s yet to start on – he has yet to finish James Joyce’s Ulysses, with only 30 pages left at the time of him writing the story. Each time he reads it, he remembers back to the day he met the girl that gave him the gift that has never once stopped giving. 

That, is the story of the Ulysses Bucket List.

Source: https://goo.gl/b8Ap3o

NB: Read the comments and follow the thread to see what happened after he posted the story – almost like an epilogue thanks to another kind Redditor. Alternatively, read his follow-up post: https://goo.gl/S9ZfE8

image
Posted in Psychology & Medicine

Attraction

Posted on by Jinavie

The saying goes that “opposites attract”, suggesting that people are attracted to those who are different to them, complementing each other like yin and yang. But then, another saying states that “like attracts like”, suggesting that people feel attraction to those that are similar to them, helping them bond over similar interests and hobbies. So which is true?

Biologically speaking, it makes sense for people to look for those who are “different” as it allows for a more varied gene pool. This is highlighted by the famous experiment where women were asked to smell and grade the “attractiveness” of t-shirts worn by different men. It was discovered that the t-shirts each woman chose belonged to a men who were most immunologically different to the woman. Every human being has a unique marker on their cells called the major histocompatibility complex (MHC). The more dissimilar the MHC is, the more likely that the person is not related to you genetically. By choosing a mate with a different MHC, your offspring will have an immune system that has a broader cover against various pathogens. It seems that we have an innate ability to smell this difference. The way we do this best, of course, is through the act of kissing.

Psychologically speaking, we appear to find those who look similar to us attractive. Professor Penton-Voak undertook a study where he showed people a book of photos of the opposite gender and asked them to pick the most attractive one. He found that the participants tended to rate the picture with their own face morphed into the opposite gender as most attractive. Other studies have shown that similar personality, interests and hobbies, attitude and life goals were all strong predictors of attraction between two people. This is most likely because of self-affirmation – the theory that suggests that people like receiving confirmation about every aspect of their life and there is no better confirmation than spending time with someone similar to you and discovering said similarities as you connect.

According to studies on this exact debate, researchers determined that similarity is more important in initial attraction, while being different helped the relationship develop over time. Surveys have shown that people tend to be more satisfied in a relationship when their partner was different to them, especially in terms of how dominant – that is, how much they lead the relationship – they are. When two people are similar in dominance, such as both being dominant leading to frequent conflict, while both being submissive will lead to frustration as neither takes initiative.

Another interesting point is that when the couple is complementary, they tend to change each other for the better, such as an active person helping their shy partner improve their social skills while she teaches her partner the importance of keeping his head on when under stress. Through this process, long-term couples tend to become similar over time. Not only that, but because people tend to mimic people close to them, their speech, behaviour, idiosyncrasies and even facial expressions become similar.

However, there is a law of attraction that surpasses both similarity and complementarity. The mere-exposure effect is a psychological phenomenon where the more we are exposed to something, the more we like it. This is further expanded by the propinquity effect that states that the more we see and interact with someone, the more likely we are to befriend or date them. Simply put, just spending more time with or even living in close proximity to someone is a high predictor of them becoming your friend or romantic partner.

Posted in Psychology & Medicine

Memories

Posted on by Jinavie

When you remember a scene from the past, you are not remembering the past. You are remembering a memory of the past. Your brain works in a very funny way where it does not record memories like film. Instead, it seems to remember things as a collage. Everytime you recall a memory – whether it be a happy memory of your first love, or a sad memory of lost love – your brain recalls your last recollection of the event. Simply put, every time you “remember” something, you are merely remembering the latest memory of the event. Each time you replay an event in your mind, it is rewriting a version of the memory over itself.

This means that the more you dwell on a memory, the more it is distorted. You romanticise the good parts and dramaticise the bad parts. The memory is ultimately warped beyond the point of telling the true story. Instead, it becomes something akin to a movie script or a fairy tale. But if it truly is a memory you deem special and hold dear, then maybe it isn’t too bad keeping a romanticised, “perfect” version of it somewhere in your heart to look back on every now and then.

Posted in Simple Pleasures of Life

Simple Pleasures of Life #30

Posted on by Jinavie

Meeting people, hearing their stories, sharing a moment and leaving a positive mark on their lives.

There’s a branch of philosophy that believes that the world only exists within our minds. That the people around us are merely figments of our imagination. As crazy as this thought is, to some degrees, we human beings all live at least a little selfishly, absorbed in our own worlds. For example, thanks to a psychological phenomenon known as special pleading, we are prone to judging others by how their actions affect us while we only judge our own intentions.

Because of this human nature, we often forget one simple fact: each and every person that you see around you has a life of their own. That person that you accidentally bumped into has a name, a job, a family (maybe). He or she will have hobbies and interests, goals and dreams, experiences and memories.

image

Of course, it’s understandable that your brain tends to ignore this simple fact on a routine basis. The poor bugger has to process an overload of sensory and cognitive information every nanosecond, and if it was to consider every little details of everything, your head might just explode. But that’s no excuse to not think about it every now and then. You know, just ponder the implications.

If there’s one thing I’ve learnt about the world, it’s that each person has a very unique story to tell. They are walking books that are in the process of being written into a grander, more epic tale by the day. You’d be surprised what kind of stories you hear from complete strangers. One of the reasons I wanted to go into medicine was to hear all the stories every patient had to tell. I am reminded of this fact every day in the hospital. I’ve met old men who survived wars, kids who’ve suffered more diseases than you would in three lifetimes and even an old lady who gave the best tips on how to cook fish (which I’ve sadly forgotten…). Point is, if you take the time to stop and have a chat, you might hear some amazing stories that put movies and books to shame.

image

I think one of the greatest joys we can experience as human beings is really opening up to someone, getting to know who they are and showing them who you are to them. Memories, stories, values, dreams, opinions, humour, all that jazz. It might be crazy to think that the world only exists in our heads, but it’s not at all crazy to think that everyone’s perspective of the world is very different. When you share a bond with another person, it’s like connecting those two different worlds. Yup, getting to know a person is like opening a wormhole between dimensions. What that’s pretty cool right. The best part is that this could happen between two lovers who’ve known each other for ten years, or even between two people that happened to meet by chance an hour ago. That’s human interaction I guess. It’s not about the amount of time you’ve spent with them. It’s about the quality of the time you shared with them. Opening wormholes and stuff.

image

My last point is to do with leaving a mark. It’s one thing to be aware that the person that’s in front of you is a unique life of their own, it’s another to be conscious of the role you play in their story. For example, a compliment you paid in passing might completely change the person’s day. A simple act of kindness you thought nothing of could be recorded in someone’s life book as a life-changing event.
I said at the start that we judge others by their actions and ourselves by our intentions. Well then, by that logic, once you pass away the only thing that will be left to affirm your existence will be recordings of you in other people’s life books. So consider the mark you leave. Even a smile can make a difference.

I’ll end my 30 day challenge with a quote I particularly like regarding human interactions, by a certain Mr. Rogers:

“If you could only sense how important you are to the lives of those you meet; how important you can be to the people you may never even dream of. There is something of yourself that you leave at every meeting with another person.” ~ Mr. Rogers

May your life be full of little, simple pleasures 🙂

image